Releasing Expectations
“Ah, the Big 3-0,” everyone says to me! Even though I was surrounded by people who love me, my birthday hit hard this year. And not in the way of “YES, I am 30!...” more in the way of “YIKES… I'm 30.” For me, entering into this new decade came with so many emotions: excitement, fear, overwhelm, hope, and then all of the sudden I felt myself reviewing my entire life.
I started asking myself, “Am I doing what little ten year old Devon thought she would be doing at 30? Am I living up to my parents' expectations? Am I living up to the world’s expectations of a 30 year old? Am I living up to my own expectations of myself?” Little Devon thought that by 30 she would be married, have a kid, a steady career, a house–the whole shebang!
Do I have any of these? Well…not exactly. When I was 27, I left my fiancé, along with the promise of a family and a home. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. This year, I left a stable job to pursue my dream of helping people through transformational life coaching.
So yeah... on paper, I am not what she (10 year old Devon) thought she would be, and yet, I am so much more.
I am following my passion, I have come back to the essence of Devon after abandoning her for so many years trying to make a relationship work, I get to be on the water almost every day (something I’ve always dreamed of), and I am surrounded by incredible people who truly light me up.
So let’s rewind a tad…I grew up on a cul-de-sac in a suburb of Orange County, CA where every family had a house, two children, two parents who worked full time and the expectation was for the kids to have the same, one day. You know, the white picket fence dream. While my family now is far from that white picket fence, having been through divorce a few times (as did the neighbors), I still held onto that expectation of having everything they had at 30.
While I realize that these expectations are not truly mine, but rather, a product of my environment, sometimes they still have such a firm grip on me. When I find myself suffocating from my own expectations of what “life should be like,” I have found that deep down my expectations come from a place of comparison or ‘should.’ I ‘should’ be doing x,y,z, or I ‘should’ have that by now.
So let’s focus on this comparison part.
Comparison takes us away from the big picture. It selects one specific topic or part of ourselves to compare with that specific part of someone else. It does not see beyond that tiny viewpoint and doesn’t realize that we are SO MUCH MORE.
For example, “comparison” looks at two leaves and says, “that leaf is bigger than this one, so it must be better,” but what it doesn’t see is the beautiful flower attached to the small leaf or the incredible tree that the big leaf is growing off of. It does not celebrate our unique and very individual stories.
Another way to look at comparison from a more unified perspective: comparison looks at the night sky through two separate straws and says there are more stars in the right straw than in the left straw, or that there are more planets in the left straw; but what comparison does not see is the vast universe beyond these tiny spots in the sky.
When we take away the straws, we see the all-ness of the universe. We see that the two segments we were once looking at are all a part of the whole picture and every piece of the universe is important.
That is us! We are all so unique and individual, and when you let go of comparison or unrealistic expectations, you can truly see the glory of the oneness and the connectedness of everything. I am not better than you and you are not better than me; but instead, we are all an important part of this grand experience, the mosaic of life!
With that glorious image of the universe with all of the twinkling stars and bright planets, I will leave you with six quick steps for releasing expectations:
1. Find the expectation and write it down.
2. Understand where this expectation came.
Did it come from generations before me, my parents, society, my culture, the people around me, myself, or elsewhere? Is it even mine to begin with?
3. What would I be without this expectation?
Just ponder that for a moment.
4. Is this expectation helping me in any way?
If it is helping, thank it for getting you to where you are now or for giving you direction with where you are going. Give sincere gratitude. Not all expectations are bad and when they are in alignment with us and our values, they can help us grow. If it isn't helping, ask it what it truly wants for you. Expectations can come from a place of love or protection, but sometimes they can get out of alignment and cause shame, doubt and discouragement. Try to find out if there is a core quality that this specific expectation actually wants for you: happiness, freedom, love, etc.
5. What are ways in which I currently express this quality in my life?
If you cannot think of any examples, ask a friend. Sometimes they are better at seeing the goodness in us than we are. When ‘expectation’ realizes that you already have what it is trying to give you, it will calm down and see that you are already complete. You are unique and a part of the greater whole.
6. Stand up, turn on some hype music (recommend songs: Love Myself and/or This is Me)!
Shake off any expectations that are no longer serving you and celebrate yourself for being YOU on YOUR JOURNEY.
Give yourself grace and gratitude. From the words of Dr. Seuss, “You are you, that is truer than true, no one else can be more you-er than YOU!”
And if none of that works, write a blog post about it. It has surely helped me to let go of the expectations that I have consciously or unconsciously set for myself.
